Friday, February 29, 2008

- The Horrors of Turkish Driving: Part TWO

The term ‘Micropenis’, which is an actual medical term, describes an unusually small penis in a human male. A common criterion for this condition is a dorsal (measured on top) erect penile length at least 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the mean penis size. The condition is usually recognized shortly after birth. The term is most often used medically when the rest of the penis, scrotum, and perineum is well-formed. One way of recognizing a micropenis victim is to go to Turkey and look for any vehicle being driven in a ridiculously piss-poor manner, such as the one in the clip you’re about to watch.

Let’s hope he’s removed himself from the gene pool by now

Micropenis can have a variety of causes. Since it is defined statistically, a large proportion of males with micropenis are simply normal but in the lowest percentile of normal size. While driving like a total moron is an obvious symptom of this condition, it is not believed to alleviate it in any way, and is, therefore, a totally pointless exercise. A certain sinancetinkaya, the YouTube contributor of this video, had this to say, ‘Video benim değil, araç sanırım clio v6 RS (The video isn’t mine, I believe the vehicle to be a clio v6RS).’ A man of few words, clearly. Naturally, neither sinancetinkaya nor anyone else would openly admit to being afflicted with this condition, but I’m willing to take his word for it that this isn’t him driving. A zakaka31 elaborates, ‘adam manyakmış (the man is a maniac).’

Thursday, February 28, 2008

- The Horrors of Turkish Driving: Part ONE

OK, OK, I know that people all around the world are horrible drivers; road rage is a universal problem. Quite frankly, I don’t care how bad other countries are. I live in Turkey and I’m telling you, the most cretinous, just crawled out of the swamp retard drivers on the planet live in Turkey. The video you’re about to be horrified by is absolutely typical of every single journey I’ve ever made in this country.

The word ‘incompetence’ has just been redefined by these tools

Don’t get me wrong, I love Turkey. I do genuinely wish, however, that there was some kind of Guantanemo Bay facility by the side of every road where bad drivers could be immediately removed from their vehicles and detained for the term of their natural lives.

In the words of the creator of this work, nlty2000:

Unbelievable traffic madness in Turkey. This is a short compilation of my 11km urban commute. These funny happenings are ordinary in every city. I am late for work almost everyday because of accidents. You cannot see the accidents here, I was not lucky enough to have any of them happened right in front of me. Stay tuned for an accident scene compilation video.

I hereby warn every tourist about dangers and risks of road transport in Turkey. Avoid, if possible. Death rate happens to be a close second or third in the world, right behind India and China (or Iran).

I’ll be returning to the work of nlty2000 on a regular basis. Oh, and while we’re at it, the driver of 34 ZZ 8306 who tried to gouge off the front of my car with his incompetent driving the other day: you’ve got a really, really small penis and bad driving isn’t going to change that fact.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

- Great moments in sport 1: German footballer breaks neck - plays on

In the Second World War Bernhard 'Bert' Trautmann was a paratrooper in western Russia. He was captured by the Russians and escaped, but was finally captured by the British. The English, as we tend to do, greeted him with the words "Hello Fritz, fancy a cup of tea?". He was brought to POW Camp 50 at Ashton-in-Makerfield, in between St Helens and Wigan, before being transferred to a similar camp in Huyton, near Liverpool . In football matches between two camps he always played on the right midfield, but one day they had no goalkeeper and so Bert tried it and performed very well. It was during this time he became known as 'Bert,' as the English had trouble, surprisingly, pronouncing 'Bernd,' the abbreviated version of his name.

After the war he bravely decided to stay in Britain and played for the Liverpool County Combination club St Helens Town. During a friendly match against Manchester City, club officials were so impressed by him that they signed him. The fans of City, however, were not best pleased about having a former member of the Luftwaffe on the team. Season ticket holders threatened a boycott and various groups in Manchester and around the country bombarded the club with protest letters. Twenty thousand people demonstrated against the signing, holding banners like "Off with the German". Besides the issues with his nationality, Trautmann also made the heinous error of replacing Frank Swift, one of the greatest keepers in the club's history. After his first matches for City, however, the protests died when the fans realised that the boy was indeed a bit special.

In the years to come, Trautmann established himself as one of the best keepers in the league, and very possibly, in the world. One of Trautmann's greatest matches was the legendary 1956 FA Cup Final between Manchester City and Birmingham City at Wembley Stadium. In the 75th minute Man City led 3:1 and Trautmann, diving at an incoming ball, was knocked out in a collision with a Birmingham's Peter Murphy when he was hit in the neck. For the remaining 15 minutes he defended his net, because at the time there were no substitutions possible. Manchester City held on for the victory, and the hero of the final was Bert Trautmann, due to his spectacular saves in the last minutes of the match. Three days later, an x-ray revealed he had a broken vertebra in his neck. How hard was this man?

It's only a broken neck, I'll shake it off

He appeared in 545 matches for City during a 15 year period between 1949 and 1964. He had no caps for Germany, because the German manager Sepp Herberger would not call up German players who were playing in other countries. This had been particularly frustrating for Trautmann because for much of his career he had been regarded as the world's greatest goalkeeper. He won the FWA Footballer of the Year Award in 1956 for his FA Cup heroics.

In 1964 he finished his career with a testimonial in front of a crowd of 60,000 people, quite a change from the crowd that initially didn't want a German. Trautmann captained a special joint Manchester City & Manchester United XI that included Bobby Charlton and Denis Law, against an England team that included Tom Finney, Stanley Matthews and Jimmy Armfield. After the match, Bobby Charlton called him one of the greatest goalkeepers ever. Russian keeper and bighead Lev Yashin had this to say:

'There have only been two world-class goalkeepers. One was Lev Yashin, the other was the German boy who played in Manchester — Trautmann.'

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

- Zen and the art of being a moron

Many fine men have ridden motorbikes. Few have written about them as eloquently as Robert M. Pirsig in Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenence:

Not everyone understands what a completely rational process this is, this maintenance of a motorcycle. They think it's some kind of a "knack" or some kind of "affinity for machines" in operation. They are right, but the knack is almost purely a process of reason, and most of the troubles are caused by what old time radio men called a "short between the earphones," failures to use the head properly. A motorcycle functions entirely in accordance with the laws of reason.

Somehow I doubt the total fuckwit in this clip has read this book...

We're not talking about rocket science here, gentlemen

This is funny. This is really, really funny. OK, I'm not thinking this through too clearly, but I'm not alone: 'what a twat!!!!' suggests stuie1971, echoing my thoughts on the matter. Not all agree, however, 'Really sad. Stupid riding like that can earn you a wheelchair for the rest of your life. NOT FUNNY AT ALL' notes a DIGGINSMCCAIN, clearly one of YouTube's voices of reason.


Monday, February 25, 2008

- 28th April 1982, probably a Wednesday

One of the many reasons we love the Peel News Group:

Side one of the C90

Download the file

Side two

Download the file

Haven't had a chance to download and listen to them myself yet. Comments and track listing appreciated!

- Laura Cantrell: 23rd December, 2003

Courtesy of the ever wonderful Jon Horne:

Side one

Download the file

Side two

Download the file

Friday, February 22, 2008

- Entrailicus rediscovers NIN remix

A funny thing happened the other day when I heard an NIN track on the radio. Not that funny, you say? It was strange for me because, while it was as obvious as day that it was NIN, the song sounded strangely familiar and yet somehow unusual.

After sining along to lyrics to a song I thought I'd never heard before, it struck me that I'd actually remixed the track (Only) without ever listening to the original.

My remix was radically different to the original, I'd always assumed, but only 2 or 3 years later have I finally found out how different.

Please take a listen, I really feel that I was able to give Trent's vocals something they've never had before...

Download the file

Sunday, February 17, 2008

- Tuesday 27th April 1982

Sorry for the long lay off, but I'm back with some good news courtesy of the ever fabulous Peel Newsgroup: Tuesday 27th April 1982.

I haven't even downloaded the bugger myself yet, so have no info whatsoever to give you.

Part 1

Download the file

Part 2

Download the file

Thanks to all those who've helped with the Wiki so far, I'll get on with it some more soon.

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